Golden Globes 2014: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's best jokes

Amy:

'Congratulations to all the wonderful actors nominated tonight, from the amazing Chiwetel Ejiofor to the stunning Lupita Nyong'o to American treasure Tam Honks. Dammit, I knew I was going to screw that up.'

Tina:

'One of my favorite films this year is the movie Her. Which takes place in the not-so-distant future, which is perfect because so does Joaquin Phoenix.'

[While panning to Jennifer Lawrence in the audience]

Tina: 'Amy Poehler is nominated for her work on Parks and Recreation.'

Amy: 'I believe Amy is here tonight. Can we get a shot of her?'

Tina: 'She looks fantastic!'

Amy: 'She looks amazing! Wow, radiant! It is hard to believe she's a 42-year-old mother of two!'

Tina:

'Meryl Streep is so brilliant in August: Osage County, proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streeps over 60.'

Tina:

'Gravity is nominated for Best Film. It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die then to spend one more minute with a woman his own age.'

Amy:

'The Wolf of Wall Street is another nominee tonight. I really loved the film, but some of it was too graphic. I mean, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties.'

Tina: 'Now, a number of big movies used prosthetic genitals this year. Blue Is the Warmest Color, The Wolf of Wall Street, Saving Mr. Banks. Yes, a lot of people don't know Tom Hanks was wearing one the entire time. He's wearing one right now actually, he's really enjoying it. He's so happy about it!'

Amy: 'The Wolf of Wall Street is another nominee tonight. I really loved the film, but some of it was too graphic. I mean, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties.'

Tina:

'Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year. For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, he lost 45 pounds. Or what actresses call being in a movie.'

Amy:

'Matt Damon is here, for Behind the Candelabra. Matt, on any other night, in any other room, you would be a big deal. But tonight, and don't take this the wrong way, you're basically a garbage person.'

Amy: 'One of the most nominated films this year is 12 Years a Slave. I loved 12 Years a Slave and I can honestly say that after seeing that film, I will never look at slavery the same way again.'

Tina: 'Wait, how were you-'

Amy: 'And what a year for television!'

Amy:

'Before earning a Golden Globe nomination for his first ever acting role in Captain Phillips, Barkhad Abdi was working as a limousine driver in Minnesota. There's such a beautiful life lesson here, everyone: Sleep with your limo driver tonight. Before he gets famous.'

Tina: 'Bradley Cooper is here, star of American Hustle! Interesting trivia: The original title of that movie was The Explosion at the Wig Factory.'

Amy:

'A lot of nominated shows this year are actually on Netflix. House of Cards. Orange Is the New Black. Enjoy it while it lasts, Netflix. Because you're not going to be feeling so smug in a couple of years when SnapChat is up here accepting Best Drama.'

Tina Fey:

'And now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.'

Amy:

'Woody Allen is the recipient of this year's Cecil B. DeMille Award, just a few years after Martin Scorsese won it. I assume the award is for tiniest man who wears glasses.'

Other Hollywood A-listers got in on the joke too:

Jim Carrey:

'Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that.'

Theo Kingma, Hollywood Foreign Press Association President:

'Here's the moment you've all been waiting for, The President's Speech. Or as they call it at home, the bathroom break.'

Jared Leto:

'I did not use any prosthetics in this movie. That tiny Brazilian bubble butt was all mine.'

Robert Downey Jr:

'No matter whose name is called when I open this envelope tonight, I'm leaving here a winner. If Amy takes it, and I get a racy photo of us backstage, Gucci lets me keep the tux. If it's J. Louis, I chat her up, and ride her coattails straight into Tina's after-party. Should it be Ms. Delpy, it reaffirms the artistic integrity of sequels. If it goes Greta Gerwig's way, I'll finally stop associating her surname with a film about an Angry Inch. And yet, if it's Meryl, I could supplement my income by leasing her a shipping container to put it in, with the 200,000 other awards she's received. Let's see how this plays out for me.'

Jennifer Lawrence:

'I need to catch up on my drinking'

IN PICTURES: GOLDEN GLOBES 2014 WINNERS

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