How Many Dead Relatives Can NBC Bring Up Before The Olympics Are Through?

Those of you thinking that Bob Costas would be the last person you would see crying on the air during these Olympics, good news!

Mmmmno.

The good news is that NBC went out of their way to make a couple of our athletes pull a Costas and cry hot salty tears right in our very own living rooms. Beginning most famously with Bode Miller, who this weekend competed in the Men's Super-G final.

Not that kind of G, Richard! (Wait, is it?) Bode has had a difficult year, due mainly to the loss of his 29-year-old brother Chelone last year. He skied early on, and ended up with a fairly good time but not a lock-for-gold time. We spent the rest of the race watching him look on nervously as each skier passed the finish line. Most of them weren't able to catch him, and his wife, who was conveniently wearing a wire so that we could hear all of their intimate pep talk, stood by his side live-reading the slogans of inspirational posters found in your local high school library. (I couldn't have been the only one put off by hearing her discuss his chances for gold throughout the race.)

I knew Bode's chances for gold when I saw Norway's Kjetil Jansrud reach the top of the hill, because anyway named Kjetil Jansrud probably skied directly out of his mother's canal and onto the slopes.

And as predicted:

Shots for everyone!

Ironically, it was America's Andrew 'Who?' Weibrecht who got silver ( someone, quickly, mic his loved ones), leaving Bode in a tie for bronze with Canada's Jan Hudec. Interview time! NBC's Christin Cooper (who is no Mary Carillo, I can tell you that much) basically face-palmed Andrew into the snow to get real up close and personal with Miller. She begins slowly massaging his pain like one of those free college therapists, asking if winning the bronze and coming to these games were all for his brother. Bode reacts appropriately:

But that wasn't enough for Sochi's Barbara Walters. She wanted those end-of- Jerry Maguire tears. So she goes for the big guns: 'When you're looking up in the sky at the start, we see you there and it just looks like you're talking to somebody. What's going on there?' Well I don't know, Christin, he was probably just thinking about that movie that got him started in whole skiing mess, All Dogs Go To Heaven. Or, I don't know, I guess the only other option was that he was having an intimate moment with the spirit of his young brother, you animal.

It was . . . awful to watch.

But if you think Bode was the only athlete NBC made cry thanks to a dead relative, you'd be wrong. Let's rewind back to Friday, women's skeleton finals, at the Slanki Sliding Center. (Try saying it like a slutty college girl and it's even more fun.)

For those unfamiliar with skeleton, it's that thing where people launch themselves into an ice chute headfirst on a flimsy sled, reaching top speeds of 80-90 MPH. It's hard to picture, I know, so here's a helpful Go Pro video of what the experience is like:

America had two medal contenders in the race: Noelle Pikus-Pace, a super upbeat (SUPER UPBEAT) mom of two, who missed out on a medal in Vancouver and decided to compete in Sochi (with her entire, adorable family in tow) to make her dreams of standing on an Olympic podium come true. She hit the track with serious determination:

And managed to hit top speeds of nearly 80 miles an hour, easily outpacing the PT Cruiser racing next to her:

Pikus- Pace placed second, winning silver for America behind Great Britain's Lizzy Yarnold. Sadly for Katie Uhlaender, she missed out on bronze by the blink of an infected eye. She was feeling pretty down on herself. Cue NBC's Vulnerable Athlete Bat Signal:

This time, it was NBC's Lewis Johnson to the anti-rescue, swooping in to grab Katie for a quick post-loss intie. She actually seemed to hold up pretty well at first:

Unacceptable. Time for a little DRM (Dead Relative Manipulation). Johnson brings up Uhlaender's deceased dad: 'I know you were sliding with your father here, what would he say to you now?' My guess is that her father's ghost would probably offer her a tissue you insensitive excuse for a man:

And if you think these are two random instances that someone who hasn't left their house in eight days (me) just happened to notice, Nate Carlisle at The Salt Lake Tribune has been keeping a live spreadsheet tracking all of the dead people coverage NBC is giving to our winter Olympians. (Though the Plushenko-Sinatra connection seems like a big of a stretch.)

All told, NBC has managed to squeeze in 29 death stories since the start of the Games. With seven days left, who knows how many more tragedies they'll be able to squeeze in! I just hope this Russian Doll lathe worker lasts the week:

Before we move on to some of the actual uplifting moments from this weekend (hockey, skating), let's take a moment to watch what is hands down the funniest thing I've seen all year: video footage of Sochi's 'Nightmare Bear' mascot trying to fit into the front seat of a Skoda.

Real talk: I've watched it at least 15 times. His face never changes.

Hockey! Do you like necks and incredibly tense endings? Who doesn't? Well the USA vs. Russia game on Saturday played right into your darkest-I mean most uplifting-desires! The game was tied 2-2, and it was all down to a last minute shootout. One player versus one goalie, most goals wins. [Cue Rudy music.] And that's where T.J. Oshie comes in.

Shot after shot, America kept sending the 27 year-old player to go up against Russian goalie Sergei Bobrovsky, and, in the end, Oshie sailed a puck into the net the won America the game. I always knew the kid from Almost Famous would grow up to do something huge. T.J. Oshie, this GIF's for you:

Baca Juga

And if you missed any of the game, no worries. This woman is happy to share her photos with you:

Almost done, guys. Just 855 minutes left!

In men's skeleton, photogenic American John Daly had high hopes for a medal until this:

If you're the kind of person who likes to ingest 'doctor prescribed' substances while staring at things, I highly recommend the above GIF paired with Radiohead's 'High and Dry.' The Jamaican bobsled team feels me on this one.

Finally, we get to the moment I think some of you (at least) have been waiting for! Ice Dancing. It's like Dancing with the Stars! But on skates!!*

*And without stars.

You might be wondering what the difference is between Ice Dancing and Pairs Skating. After all, both events have two people with questionable Facebook relationship statuses clutching onto one another at high speeds while gazing at each other lovingly. This GIF should help clear things up:

Ice dancing is the end of The Notebook to pairs skating's Makeout In The Rain:

America has a couple of horse-duos in ice dancing medal contention, but none more beloved than Meryl Davis and Charlie White, who have been skating with each other since they were little kids. LOOK AT HOW CUTE AND SMALL AND TALENTED THEY WERE!!

When I was their age I tried to take ballet, but had to quit because they didn't make kids ballet shoes in my size. I had to go to my first few classes wearing only tights and no shoes, until I eventually quit out of anger. (And I haven't exercised since.)

But back to these beauties. My oh my, what a lovely pair they make.

Now I was always under the impression that ice dancing was synchronized ballroom dancing on skates. But what I didn't know about until yesterday is that there's a very specific kind of footwork the judges are looking for called TWIZZLES. Twizzles are simply a turn, but why say turn when you can rattle off a couple hundred TWIZZLES in your ice dancing coverage. What follows are actual sentences uttered during people's Olympic performances:

- -SIDE BY SIDE TWIZZLES

- -A LITTLE SLOW ON THE TWIZZLES

- -UP NEXT! THE TWIZZLES.

- -HERE THEY COME WITH THEIR TWIZZLES

- -THEY LIKE TO GET THOSE TWIZZLES OUT OF THE WAY

- -WATCH THE TWIZZLES COMING UP HERE!

THEM TWIZZLES DOE. Love the Twizzles. And no one twizzles quite like Davis and White, who were technically perfect, but slightly too wholesome for me with their 'My Fair Lady' routine. From an entertainment value, I preferred the speakeasy stylings of Russia's Elena Ilinykh and Nikita Katsalapo and France's Péchalat/Bourzat.

At the end of the short program, Davis and White set a new high score for the sport, and are pretty much set for gold during today's free skate, barring any unforeseen twizzlesasties.

That pretty much sums up (about eight percent) of the events this weekend! Tonight . . . Drumroll . . . BOB COSTAS RETURNS.